Perspective

I watched her eyes close for the last time.

I kept her with me, my fingers locked around hers for her final breath. I held her close, not daring to let go. Then the heart.

The heart stopped moving. It gave up on life, just as she had. I touched her arm. The numb arms that would never move again...

And then there were noises. Loud, angry noises. And arms, pulling me away from my sister... and I screamed. I struggled against the hard grip. I wanted to pull free. I wanted to be in her arms again... I held out my hand, farewelling to my sister as the men carried me away.

"It's alright," My mother tried to assure me, but that wasn't going to get her anywhere. I laid in my bed, my head resting against the pillow. I hadn't bothered to wear clothes to sleep, so I held the covers tighter around me in case she tried to yank them off.

I still didn't talk. She managed to force a few gulps of water in me, soothing my throat a bit. But I refused to eat meals.

''Honey, you've got to eat something. OH! That's it!" She ran downstairs, into the kitchen, on a spatula- oh, so that's what that "OW" was- and got me a spoonful of honey.

"A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down," she sang. "the medicine go down, the medicine go down. Oh a spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, the medicine go down..."

I hated that song and quickly, to make her stop, shoved the whole thing in my mouth.

"Improving, huh?" She said excitedly, attempting to tickle me. She wasn't giddy, just excited I ate something. Well, honey is more of a drink.

So she tried to feed me more, singing to make me eat. After a while, I got full and really couldn't take another bite. So I usually climbed out of bed and used the toilet if my food didn't want to stay in my stomach much longer. It was good, really, that I was empty.

This pampering went on for a few days after the doctor. It was supposed I needed to go back to school, but everyone knew I'd be way behind. It was sort of... obvious, in a way. A month from school equals a month of trying to catch up, which means unless I worked super hard, there would always be infinite work, and some unfinished work at the end of the year.

But I was too tired to think about math. I wanted to sleep, but when I closed my eyes I seemed restless. So I closed my eyes and laid there, thinking about the next day when I'd have to return. My class had probably thought I was dead, anyway. I sighed, depressed.

"Trixie," I whispered before realizing she'd never come. This brought tears, and I had to stay strong. For mom. Mom had to grieve, too, and I wasn't letting her. I made it my mission to make sure she was always happy and proud... of someone, at least.

Ooh, could we get a dog?

No. Not in our condition. Me refusing to move, my mother having to inspire herself and try to give herself company. It was hard for both of us, not just me. I needed to get that in my head.

I remembered the warmth of her hand, her last breath. Faintly, but I did. I racked my brain for the last word, and I got it.

"Watch out!"

And the one before that... hmm... "Okay, one sec guys!"

This brought horrible flashbacks and I shut my eyes quickly. I'd rather her be living and forget all about us than be dead and remember us forever.

I needed her. I needed the comfort that only she could give. But that had died with her, and I would never get that back. What did they do with her body, anyway? Burn it to ashes? Or did they leave it there, to rot? Or possibly they buried her body without doing anything... just like it was.

I had a crazy idea for a moment, something I call a Flood. I thought I could dig up her grave, if that was possible, and hold her again. But by then she'd be cold. And that was crazy, I reminded myself after the Flood passed. I couldn't do that. Because of the drama I'd cause, trouble I'd stir... it would bring me to do more stupid things, if I got away with it.

But I couldn't let that happen. Trixie wouldn't want that for me... so I sat back, tired and even more restless than before. So, as always, I let myself get lost in my tangle of thoughts...

hoping.

wishing.

and waiting.