Talk:Climbing Paws/@comment-27070860-20200125221236

This is quite interesting, and I do enjoy the way you portrayed Huele thus far- compared to the average story on the wiki this is pretty good, so keep in mind that anything I’m gonna bring up later is just me being nit-picky ^^

I always disliked seeing people use short-cuts like ft. instead of feet, or #1/#2 instead of number 1/number 2, since it sort of brings me out of the story, and it takes me a while to get back in. Like the mountain gear you listed point by point, before listing it again in a sentence bellow. I’d get rid of the point-by-point list entirely and replace it with ‘he came prepared with every item necessary’ or something along those lines, and leave the ‘he put on his snowsuit, helmet etc.’after that. I’d just recommend not using too many short-cuts and point-by-point lists, since they are a bit distracting and can pull you out of the story for a bit.

I also know that this might sound incredibly mundane and unnecessary, but I’d say a bit of background research on your locations would do you well- I can see you have plenty of words you can describe things with, because you use them very often (which is good) but you don’t seem to have what to describe. Mountains are incredibly beautiful, but they’re all different. I’d appreciate it if you’d describe the mountain as either steep or flat (though I assume you were going with steep, having the mc fall to their death and such), rocky or smooth, snowy or desert-like. I’d enjoy it If you’d throw in a forest of some sort- was the leopard hunting a dear in-between pine-trees? Or maybe there’s no forests in the area, just empty, dry land with gigantic rock structures that give off an ancient-vibe? I know this may not seem all that important, but when you’re action isn’t taking place directly in Jamaa, that means it’s a new, alien land for the reader, and you should definitely point out every essential detail used to build the location you’ve created (trees, water beds, maybe some eye-catching flowers, resident animals etc.). It really brings the work to life.

I really like the first chapter; I feel like I got who Huele is pretty quickly thanks to your portrayal of him. Giving a brief description of his books was also pretty smart and interesting. Though, I would stress to not use ‘A book about (…)’ every time you explain the plot of another one, since it gets a bit mundane that way. Sometimes along the lines of ‘It tells the tale of a spirit who…’,‘A novel he held close to his heart, about a spirit who…’ would probably do. Just try to avoid re-using words and you’ll be good

Though this might seem like a lot of criticism, but I assure you I enjoyed this story and will be looking forward to seeing future chapters~! I re-read Huele’s chapter like three times already and gotta know what he’ll do e.e