Talk:Blossoms and Petals/@comment-36740261-20191230000549

This is a pretty good story so far! But I think it needs some work, so here’s my critique:

So when Hope complains about the Golden Flakes saying that they don’t taste appealing, why is she going to eat them? Is it the only cereal in the house? Did she not notice more cereal was there that she liked? Try implying why.

And when she says in her head to try and not wake up mom and dad, it’s a bit confusing. She screamed, so wouldn’t that wake them up? And what’s more confusing is how later in the story Hope explains that her mom and dad died. I think maybe you could’ve been more specific after she said that. Maybe try thinking of a way to explain why she was saying that without revealing the fact that her mom and dad died.

I also noticed that she’s actually 17, yet she’s complaining and screaming in the house? And crying abruptly? That’s pretty childish for a 17-year-old if you ask me. I wouldn’t suggest lowering her age since her parents are dead but try making it so that she’s still annoyed in her speech but not screaming.

I also think that the chapters are too short. Try expanding them to at least 1000 words per chapter. Use a word counter to keep track.

Lastly, I’ve been noticing this in ALOT of stories lately, and I really want this problem to go away: They. Jump. Straight. Into. The. Action. I highly suggest that you introduce the character for about 2 chapters, and THEN make her go into the passage.

Sorry if this comment seemed offensive in any way, I’m trying to give constructive criticism to help your stories become better. Have a good day, and great story!