User blog comment:SmoothCoffeeAJ/Preview of 'The last hurrah'/@comment-27070860-20190722205005

(It’ s taken me four days to comment on this, wow, I’ ve reached a new level of laziness) (ALSO ALSO, this comment is very long, I apologise for it in advance)



But anyways, I’ d just like to say I REALLY like the direction this story is going in- since you’ ve posted only a fragment of it, I’ ll have to make do with what I have and give you a few vague criticisms that might not be too accurate, so take them with a grain of salt ^^

(And, for the record, your writing is pretty good, I’ m basically nit-picking at this point)

At the beginning Graham says he knew it was foolish to meet up, which begs the question how’ d he know? Did he maybe have a weird feeling when he woke up? Has he been expecting the phantoms, or was the horrendous weather the bad omen?

Maybe you could hint at what matter they were discussing at the meeting?

These are just minor details that could be overlooked and deemed unimportant, but it makes the story even more interesting and thought-out!

I’ d also say the same thing my teacher said to me; keep the sentences as short and simple as you can. The sentence; <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">‘ Although it was true, he didn<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">’ t have a lot, he had a plan, at least.<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">’ Made me do a doubletake. Maybe switch it up to something along the lines of; <span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">“ He didn<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">’ t have much to work with at the moment, that much was true. But at least he had a plan<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">”. When you and others read your work, every sentence should just roll off of your tongue, and yet that sentence tripped me up a little.

<p class="MsoNormal">I really hope you post more of this story soon; I<span style="font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin">’ ll be on the lookout for any updates ^^ Good luck with your writing~!