User blog:AdorableEspurr193/I have some stuff to say but it's a super long story and don't read this if you're looking for something funny or non-depressing cause that's not what it is THIS TITLE IS REALLY LONG

I can't believe I'm doing this.

So I'm probably known by my friends and peers as a very happy person. I make jokes and laugh and be a completely normal person. But have a problem when it comes to how I feel about myself.

Growing up, my mom always seemed stressed all the time. Of course, she was nice when she was around me, but after I turned six years old, I began to notice. My parents were divorced, so my mom moved away and I barely got to see my dad. In fact, I wasn't legally allowed to see him for a reason I didn't know until only a few years ago. He wasn't abusive and he was never mean to me or my mom whenever I saw him, and I overall liked him. I still enjoy visiting my dad, because he's a part of my family, and I love my family. Why wouldn't I?

Peopel always complimented me when I was young. They said I was pretty, talented, smart, everything along those lines. And at the time, I enjoyed that. But it happened so much, and so often, that it started to affect me less. Every time I got a new compliment, I kind of just shrugged it off. And as time passed, I didn't even care for them anymore. They just seemed like they were coming out of a machine. As this happened, negative remarks affected me more. In first grade, a lot of the kids were mean to me, since... you know. Kids don't really understand when they're rude because they're just kids. I was a smart kid, but not socially. Until I began to go to school, I had literally no friends. I lived in an apartment building where not many kids were available (and unlike most, I had no siblings), so I never really got time to develop social skills. When school started, I had no idea how to talk or how to make friends. I have the vivid memory of sitting down at a desk and the girl next to me looking at me like I was a toxic substance and saying: "You can't sit here because you're not my friend." And then I have the memory of getting up without saying anything and walking around the room looking for a seat, and since I couldn't find anywhere else, I just sat down on the floor because I had no idea how to confront people about anything. For the rest of the year, I didn't dare try to talk to anyone out of fear that they would reject me. Recess was my least favorite time of day because all I did was go sit in a small corner and watch people. Most of the time I cried as well.

When something happens a lot, you grow numb to it. When something doesn't happen much, it hits you like a brick wall. And this is what happened to me.

For the entirety of my elementary school years, I did well in every subject. I did better than everybody, and to my surprise, no one grew jealous, and I never encountered any type of bully. In fourth grade, I was accepted into a gifted school. After going there, I was suddenly exposed to a wide spectrum of kids as smart or smarter than I was. And this scared me. I felt so little compared to everyone else, and I was actually not the smartest kid there.

That was when it happened.

I wanted to be as good as the other kids. Even better. I raised my standards and tried harder and harder, but every goal I set was too high for me to reach, and this made me feel horrible.

I felt so inferior to everyone else that I developed a fear of going to school, even though I had friends. Every day I felt so sick and so terrible that I had to stay home. I missed so many days that my mom grew worried, and tried to do something. But I really didn't want to go back to school, and so it stayed that way.

In fifth grade, my social skills became way better, and I went back to the regular school. I made lots and lots of friends and ended up making my two friend groups familiar with each other, and now all my friends are besties. I'm happy that I was able to do that. But my standards were still getting higher, and I still felt inferior. Since I knew everything already, everyone else was catching up. I wasn't used to this, and I felt worse than before. I kept faking that I was sick, and this stressed out my mom to the point where she told the school and made an agreement that I could stay home if I wasn't feeling ready to go to school. And if you were wondering, my school was great. One of the best schools in the country, possibly. Everyone was nice and understanding, and my classmates were always nice to me. But my standards kept getting higher.

I started homeschooling after that, and it got much much better. Everything was easier. I didn't feel trapped like I did before. But my standards kept getting higher.

A few years ago, I started getting depressed. I didn't have a positive view on things that I did before, and everything just seemed like it was angry at me. I felt like a failure to myself, to everyone I loved, and especially to the people who loved me. I was angry and fearful and altogether a total mess. And I still feel this way. Everything just feels like a blur. I miss my old friends. I feel like my emotions are suffocating me, telling me how I'm not good enough. And I don't resent those thoughts. I welcome them, even though I don't want to. And that is what scares me. I'm drifting farther away from land in this sea, with the only thing I have being two broken paddles, which I broke out of hate for my own life a long time ago, before I even realized the true consequences of my actions. I know what's happening to me, and the reason I can't do anything is because whenever I try to stop myself, I think of how utterly stupid I'm being, and I hate myself even more.

I'm really trying, and hopefully I'll be able to get to land one day.

I will treasure any support, and thank you for reading.

-AdorableEspurr193 :')