Thread:Enddayss/@comment-39615662-20190820220305/@comment-26510374-20190831024044

(this was goona be a ramble about how i still feel the most comfortable writing literally animal jam fiction because its been a part of me for so long but i thought of something else that i've been considering for quite a while now..........so.... and this took me like, ten minutes, so i'm very sorry if this textwall intercepts any more meaningful conversations. feel free to carry on with that, i just wanted to get this out.)

whats up bros this probably isnt the best place to write this and i will write a more general blog post about it if i do end up doing it but ever since a couple months before my birthday this year, i've been considering disabling this account.

i've ruined this name. so many of the users today weren't around for most of it but i was, really, a horrible, bitter, jealous, deeply lonely and insecure person in 2017. i regret nearly everything i did and said in that year and if i could rewind time and do and suffer through everything all over again for the sake of this wiki i would.

alongside a few other personal reasons i'd rather not name, i just... can't look at this name, or even my joining date sometimes, without feeling immense guilt.

i wasn't a TERRIBLE person, i guess. but i was a total brat, and it was embarrassing how much of a child i was (well i was, literally, a child, but you know what i mean... for someone who claimed to be such a "mature" and "intellectual" person, i sure made a joke out of everything i thought i stood for). i didn't commit mass genocide out of my sadness/loneliness-driven angry jealousy, but looking back on that whole period of my life just makes me wince more than anything else i've ever done.

i wanted a fresh start. i so desperately wanted a fresh start. i was planning on creating a new account on my birthday and requesting for this account to be disabled, but i never did. i forgot, or didn't care much about the wiki at the time since katenka vanished, maybe, or just couldn't bring myself to.

later on in the year, a month or two ago, i prepared to quit. i couldn't gather myself up enough to contribute OR write up an official resignation, so the urge just sat there. i was pretty sure the wiki didn't need me anymore (did it ever?) so i knew i could "rest," but... a part of me held on.

i got back into this place a week or two ago. i realize, just like animal jam, how genuinely integral as an aspect of my childhood the ajsw is. and something resonated within me, how fond i am of this place, how i love watching and observing everything go by around me, users coming, improving, going, staying, breaking down, coming back. and then stolid and its timeline's ideas came to me, and i wanted to stay, and i wanted to belong, and i wanted to have a place here again.

i wanna start anew again, though, entirely. that idea nags at me still, one of many that won't leave till i lay it to rest. i want to request my account to be disabled (something that takes fandom about a month's time, in case the requester has a change of heart, i would suppose), and in that time tie up loose ends and pack everything up and leave this guilty shell for something that feels fresh and new.

i'd stay around. i'd just have a new name, a clean face. i'd have to explain that i've been here for four years instead of whatever my new account displays, and rack up those silly achievements and their points on the "leaderboard," but that doesn't bother me too much. i'll be the same. i'll be active and add to my same story and carry on with my ideas from my old self's name, but it'll be better. i won't be wallowing in my shame anymore. sometimes i just want to reset. and i can do that. i seriously, genuinely believe that "resetting" is going to allow me to be more honest and genuine, both with myself and everyone here.

i don't want to let go of the wiki, not yet. i want to hold on to the bits that matter. but i want to be brave, get over things, and be able to let go of myself.

...even if this is just a silly account from when i was a real, REAL dumb kid.

thanks for coming to my ted talk