Talk:Chasing the sun/@comment-27070860-20180622183026

(Oh good god, forgive me for this very long comment) (…that I thought I posted a week ago but apparently something happened and here it is) I enjoyed this so far- overall, it was nicely written (there were mistakes, but most of them seemed to be typos you missed, so I advise you go back and re-read it, fixing up the tiny mistakes here and there [exmp; “…black legendary glove and and rare spartan helmet became visible…”]). There’s a lot of action happening in this story, and it helps that you’re good at describing surroundings, as well as what each character is doing (also, I’m in love with this idea – “How is one legend split?”- I don’t think I’ve read about a prophecy describing one character, then splitting itself onto all five of them).

That aside, I do find the story hard to follow sometimes- at some point it gets confusing.

At the beginning there’s talk about them being protectors of (I assume) the forest, which isn’t really talked about ever again. When they meet Tree, nothing about her character is really explained. I still have no idea how Lilac and Tree knew each other (other than it had something to do with the main character’s sister). This happens with a lot of the characters- it’s kind of unclear who they were, and what they’re trying to accomplish. (I think a good heart-to-heart between a few of the characters would do some good- let them talk a bit about their pasts, about how they’re feeling about the present, and what they want to accomplish)

I don’t know why that army was attacking them all of a sudden, I don’t know anything about them other than they were “‘The ones that tried to chase us ... and failed’ “. Sometimes it’s nice and fun to keep the readers in the dark, make them wonder and guess what is going on and why, but there should be at least be a simple outline of what’s happening. (exmp; “They’re the ones the king has sent to get rid of us- we better watch out, they’re as well trained as the royals are”- it’s already said what they’re trying to do, who they are and a bit of background about them).

It also gets very messy in between ‘survival’ and ‘know-it-all’. One second, they’re running from a rockslide, the next they’re in some sort of cell. Apparently, someone saved them from the rocks, and then they find themselves captured, and it’s left at just that. Again, it could use a good answer to the questions of ‘who’ and ‘why’ (who dragged them there? What was their capturer’s objective?).

I really like your writing style (a lot), but there’s lots of holes in the story itself. The characters would be perfect if we knew more about them- give a few of them some time to shine, let ‘em talk about things that don’t necessary have anything to do with the plot. It could be senseless bickering, or just a bunch of one-liners. Defiantly give more details on the main five of the group- doesn’t necessarily have to be about their past, but I’d advise on opening them up a bit.

Good luck on continuing this story, though. I think it has a lot of potential to be a great one ^^