Talk:Burrow/@comment-43836919-20200209180111

Hmm

So, you've been asking a lot of people lately to read Burrow, and I had, but finally I decided to just leave another comment. And, this is going to be filled with criticism, so, if you don't like that, I suggest you don't read it.

Your story, at the beginning, was extremely horrifying, like something out of a creepypasta, and, no doubt, you could probably fix it and still make her death dramatic.

This was missing a lot of parts for me, and you seemed to have a tendency to repeat the same thing different ways, which ruins the sentence, like here: S''he said calmly, trying to settle things down, trying to conclude a fight. ''

And another error was that, if she gasped, that's all you add, not the yelled part at the end. For example,'' "But those are really rare!" Bliss yelled. Instead of Bliss gasped. "But those are, crazy-rare!" she yelled. ''This isn't really a big mistake, but it just makes it a bit hard to comprehend.

And another example: ''She beamed at Bliss. "Dear Bliss, please just call me Penny," Well, are you girls hungry? I have some chicken popcorn for you girls!" she said happily. ''You don't add quotation marks twice.

These things ruin the story and make it a lot less enjoyable. Plus, I felt like a lot was happening at one time, which made nothing make sense, so it was sort of like you had to read things five times to figure out what was happening, and everytime there was an error, you went, "Wait what?" And read it again.

It was so hard to process, and the words, while could be considered 'big', don't fix your story. Your story can't be fixed. It's interesting, and that's one thing, but it's just really confusing for me.

Not to be a hypocrite or anything, because I try to make my stories the least cliché, but yours- the whole main character having superpowers and everything, is really cliché. And when some parts, I assume, were supposed to be dramatic, you just had to blink and say, "Oh, is that it?"

Your words and long sentences really ruined the story for me, and the advertising made me a bit hesitant to read it, along with another thing. You seemed to be trying really hard though, so I don't want to burst your bubble or anything. This is like, your third story that I've read of yours and honestly, it's just not for me, especially the style you write and things like that.

Basically, you could try dividing your sentences. I recommend reading over your work many times so that you can see what it feels like to be from a reader's perspective and see if it's hard to comprehend or you need to change something. Thanks! ^^