The Very Serious and Dignified Fanfic

'''This story is very obnoxious and possibly disturbing to komodo-serpent reptilian people. Don't fix any typos please, it triggers my otherkin cousins.'''

Once upon a time, this red wolf was walking around and stuff. His name, at least for now, will not be mentioned for the sole purpose of adding unnecessary drama to the early chapters of this story, even though it's really freaking obvious who he actually is and his name doesn't need to be obscured.

The wolf was like, walking around and like, he was totally like, wow I have such good general vibes and stuff. Yeah, that's him. That's the way he talks.

Anyway, he was walking around, and doing things. Like, he went over to Greely's house, because guess what? The mysterious red wolf is like, totally an Alpha now. He joined the Alphas by walking up to them, they said, "Hey we're the Alphas." Then he like dabbed in front of them, and said "Me too thanks."

Anyways the wolf was walking over to Greely's house, remember?

Greely was wearing white vans, definitely not in relation an obnoxious, outdated meme designed for pubescent elementary schoolers.

"Hello" said Greely.

"Hi," said the mysterious red wolf, whose cape flowed in the wind and his red fur was all shiny and stuff and basically he looked sooo much cooler than Greely. Also the red wolf had a lot of valuable stuff taped onto his body so that's another reason he looked cooler than Greely. Like he literally taped stuff to himself. It's a fashion statement.

"You are the chosen one," says Greely. "You're so cool I wish I was you," said Greely. "Said Greely," said Greely.

"Ok," said the red wolf.

"You're name, is Aparri."

"cool," said aparri.

Then Greely dabbed, sending Aparri into an emoji shaped portal.

"Oh no I'm outside my safe space!" screamed Aparri. "Is this harassment!?"

Aparri landed in WisteriaMoon's house.

"Hi I'm Aparri," said Aparri. Then WisteriaMoon ran over and kissed him. Then, Julian2 ran in from the kitchen and started kissing Aparri too. Then they're all kissing each other, and they won't stop kissing, and Wistera didn't brush her teeth that morning so it smells really bad but they don't care and they just keep kissing.

"Oh no Wisteria I'm sorry I forgot to mention im the chosen one i have to save Jamaa I cant keep kissing you and Julian," said Aparri.

"It's ok because i love you. Now bye I have to go do clan things" said Wisteria. She was actually the leader of a warrior cat clan, because she wore a spike and elf bracelets, also, she was a wolf. Only wolves were allowed in cat clans by the way, due to the Almighty Cat Jesus Law of the Ultimate Animal Jam Sin.

Aparri started dabbing, until the dabs reached critical mass sending him to the Ultra Temple of Dab.

"Wow this is lit," said Aparri.

A floating incarnation of AJHQ appeared near Aparri. "Please avoid references to drug use and other inappropriate things, please."

Aparri grabbed the floating head and threw it into one of the volcanoes. "Crocodiles are ugly and WisteriaMoon only uses them ironically!" he screamed, as his rallying battle cry.

"ZIOS IS A TOUCAN!" screamed Julian2, who was now in front of the Ultra Temple.

"What," said Aparri.

"Well you know how they were adding toucans?"

"Yea"

"You know that that week's rare item looks like zios?"

"Yea... wait what do those even have in common?"

"ZIOS IS A TOUCAN!!!"

At this moment in time, a lonely, easily-triggered Jammer who lived in the farthest reaches of the Minority, had his heart explode. Literally. As he gasped for air as his chest cavity collapsed, he looked upon the laptop screen. On it was the Animal Jam theory. The "theory" so inexplicably dumb, it had caused him to become so triggered that his heart rate exceeded 500 bpm.

As the Jammer lay increasingly motionless. He looked to the text. "Zios is a toucan," he read aloud. "God is dead."

The Jammer passed away in great pain.

Anyways, back at the Ultra Temple, Aparri was screaming the lyrics of We Are Number One over and over again, despite it being a normie meme that should've been sold long ago. Seriously though, the deceased Jammer unironically enjoyed that song. Poor Jammer. But he doesn't matter, anyway, because Zios is a Toucan and God is dead.

Back to the Ultra Temple, again.

"Lets play overwatch," said Aparri.

"ok"

Two gaming rigs appeared out of no where, both of them fully decked out with mechanical keyboards, LED-lit fans, also they were overclocked, in fact just one of the PCs had more RAM than Julian and Aparri's intelligence combined.

Aparri picked Hanzo and Julian picked Widowmaker, and then they started whining at the other players to play tank or support, but then Jeff Kaplan appeared in front of the Ultra Temple, with a vape nation t-shirt on

"GREELY IS A SHEEP!" screamed jeff

"what" said Aparri

"So you know how they were adding sheep?"

"yea"

"And Greely was wearing sheep stuff at the same time?"

"yea its a wolf in sheep's clothing joke"

"NO YOU STUPID!!! GREELY IS A SHEEP!"

Jeff Kaplan was absolutely wasted right now, so then he started rolling around on the floor pretending to be Junkrat's ultimate. Aparri and Julian were spraying their "thanks" sprays on top of the Reinhardt's crusader poster. Somewhere, in another dimension, on another continent, on a slow internet, a sad Reinhardt main cried, because some horse from another realm just sprayed a freaking bad-manners spray on top of his husbando's glorious hair. God is dead, Zios is a Toucan.

Jeff Kaplan wobbled drunkenly over to Aparri's computer. "Hey you shouldn't do that, you are making us Handsoap mains look really bad, okay? I want mercy to love me."

Aparri punched Jeff in the face. "I PLAY HANZO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT"

"WRESTLE WITH JEFF, PREPARE FOR DEATH," screamed mr kaplan as he ripped his tshirt off and then subsequently ripped Aparri's head off.

Julian screamed, and barfed, and screambarfed. He started praying to the vape god to rescue him from any sins he had recently commited, but he was out of luck. Jeff Kaplan shot lightning out of his eyes, like a tesla coil. The lightning bolts faintly played the melody of Smash Mouth's All Star as Julian and his computer were fried to a crisp.

The end?