Autumn's Law

''Tell her when it rains, I don't feel it''

Leaves fell with little care, sailing from the skies in clusters and herds. Had there been any more trees, the leaves would be as countless as the raindrops that plummet down when mother nature cries.

The faint echo of a trumpet being played from a floor above filled in the empty silence.

The monkey flipped a page in her notebook.

“Woah, those are pretty!”

Dezu startled, dropping the pen she had been holding, and watched it bounce off of the desk and onto the carpet below.

Glancing over her shoulder, she noticed another animal standing in the door, not quite meeting her eyes.

The faint light coming from the desk lamp painted a rather stunning mosaic of shadows across the newcomer’s snout. Reds and yellows in all of their shades; but those eyes. Those beautiful, grey eyes-

“…Sorry”

Dezu watched as the other lowered their head, staring at the rug intensely. As if they hadn’t expected Dezu to hear them. As if they hadn’t realised that sometimes words just… come out, even though they shouldn’t have.

The kid was just that; a kid that came over whenever Dezu’s mother asked her new ‘friend’ to visit.

Of course, the monkey knew that ‘friend’ was only there because mother was starting to feel lonely with father away all day. Mother has learned to catch people and never let them go; she’s learned to hold on tightly, she’s learned to suffocate them just enough.

Just enough to make them think that poisonous spiders and silk-weaved nets were pretty.

That ‘friend’ of Dezu’s mom- Maria- had a child she always insisted on bringing over.

The little brat was a tiny sabretooth kitten, only a year younger than Dezu. Whenever mother felt the need to rid herself of her problems by dropping them onto someone else, Maria would come over and chat while dragging her kid along.

The kit was shy, always hiding in between her mother’s legs with her ears flat againced her head, eyes watering. She clearly didn’t want to be there. Dezu wasn’t sure why their mothers always insisted on bringing the little guy around.

Was it a futile attempt at getting Dezu a friend? Her mother was always nagging her to go out and meet new people. It wasn’t like Dezu didn’t have buddies she could hang around, it’s just… they weren’t really animals you ‘go out with’. They were for small talk in hallways. They were for copying homework and borrowing pencils. Not walks in the park or karaoke bars and afterschool parties.

Dezu wasn’t lonely.

She wasn’t.

But looking at the younger animal standing awkwardly in her doorway, after a good few months of watching said cat cower behind her mother, made Dezu… feel something.

The monkey wasn’t sure what, though.

Maybe it was the magical grey eyes.

“…No, it’s okay. Thank you”

The sabretooth’s head jerked upright so quickly Dezu worried the poor thing snapped its neck. But the cat just grinned (and it broke Dezu’s heart a little bit, because nobody has ever been so happy to hear her say a single sentence like that before).

“You draw really well! Like, super super well!” she continued to praise the newfound victim of her affections, and Dezu nodded somewhat uncomfortably.

“…if you want, you can look through my older notebooks”

The kitten’s eyes brightened drastically (reality seems to shift under that dusty-silver gaze) and Dezu felt herself go lightheaded.

“Really? You’d let me?”

The trumpeter from above missed a note, and Dezu cringed a little bit.

“Of course. Here, chose your pick. Some are better than others, but feel free to flip through as many you like” Dezu pulled out a drawer, colourful binders and sketchbooks almost overflowing the cramped space. Sticky notes with dates and years peaked out from in-between the crumpled and messy pages. The monkey watched her new admirer carefully creep up to the desk, wide-eyed and curious. While she started digging though the notebooks, Dezu returned to the one in her hand.

“…Do you think I could come over and watch you draw again?” the cat asked once she was called to leave for the night.

Damn those breath-taking, metallic eyes.

“Summer’s over, so there probably won’t be much time in-between school and studying, but- uh… I guess, if you’re free, then sure, come over”

“Thank you so much!” the kit almost looked like she was going to hug Dezu, but decided to go againced it. The monkey appreciated it.

“I’ll see you later, Dezu”

“You too, ▀▀▀▀”

''Winter's snows Don't hide my woes''

It’s become a bit of a tradition over the years; a routine, if you will. Whenever the trees would shed their leaves, whenever the winds would freeze the air with their chilly breaths, Dezu would meet up with a certain sabretooth.

The cat’s visits were frequent at the start of their friendship; the kit would sit and watch with interest as the monkey scribbled and doodled in her sketchbooks. Dezu found it baffling that someone actually liked her work, much less was willing to watch her create it.

Eventually the feline began bringing over her own watercolours and brushes, and Dezu stopped counting how many new paint splatters had been added to her room after a month or two.

At first there was a comfortable silence, one that hung in the air like a safety net. They’d sit on Dezu’s floor or at her desk, and sometimes when Dezu was too tired to draw anymore she’d just take a nap while the other would sketch the trees and streets outside the window.

After a year or two the visits became less frequent, ignored schoolwork finally taking its toll after being neglected for so long. But whenever summer came around all Dezu did was count down the days she had left with her… friend?

Could the monkey call her that? She hoped so.

Friends were for small talk and answering stupid questions about homework and borrowing pencils;

And yet the sabretooth was so much more, because her presence in itself was comforting and welcoming. Dezu didn’t find herself going stiff when the cat talked to her, didn’t find herself biting her tongue and watching her words. Dezu felt at ease with her, felt as if enjoying someone’s company was… enjoyable, for once.

And the sabretooth seemed to think the same thing.

Summer was fun.

They’d spend the nights eating ice-cream out in an open field, laughing and counting the stars that hung above their heads. They’d enjoy the warm breeze and the pond’s cool water. They’d stain their fur with greens and yellows and reds until their smiles were too wide and their muscles hurt from laughing too hard. They’d draw and sketch until their papers were crumbled messes and nonsensical scribbles.

But the world likes to change.

Because after summer comes autumn; and with that comes school, and with school come responsibilities and work and thoughts of ‘what am I even doing anymore’, and then come the birthdays and you wonder if you should take this chance to grow up a little.

But you never really do.

---

''I can't lie to you I tried to warn her that sometimes we fall in the dark''

 

“Dezu, are you sure about this?”

“Shut up, of course I’m sure. It’s mom’s fault anyway- if anything goes wrong it’s on her”

“Good luck explaining how your mother has anything to do with you breaking into a store. Unless she’s your boss or a criminal mastermind, I doubt the police will swallow the bait”

“I think I told you to shut it”

“Dezu, this isn’t a good idea”

“…Sorry, I just- you know I need those paints, right? The deadline’s tomorrow and I-“

“Dezu”

“…I know, I know it’s bad but I really-“

“Dezu, I swiped the keys off of my mom after she came back from work. Nobody will notice”

“You what!?”

“Dezu, should you really be angry at me for swiping someone’s keys when you were literally contemplating breaking a window?”

“Why… why did you-“

“Because I’m your friend, idiot. Which ones did you want again? The red and the blue?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re doing this”

“Here, quickly- grab these-“

“Oh my god, this is amazing! They won’t notice, right?”

“No, stupid things like these go missing all the time. The manager will probably blame it on the company for making a mistake or something. As long as you take the paints under twenty gems, you’ll be fine”

“Oh my god, we’re actually doing this, we’re-“

“Oh my god, Dezu, I don’t know what’s creepier, how hyped you are about breaking into a store or that horrendously large grin on your face”

“Thank you- thank you so much! I probably wouldn’t have… wouldn’t have met the deadline if it wasn’t for this, really, thank-“

“Dezu, its fine. We’re friends. It’s what friends do. Grab what you need and lets scram, it’s late but someone could still get curious about why the lights are on at such an hour”

“You’re right, you’re right… okay, I got them, zios… I know it’s stupid and I’m being a huge idiot right now, but this feels… I feel like I’ve done something bad but I can’t bring myself to stop smiling, I just-“

“Dezu, it’s just a few paints”

“Yes, but- if I wasn’t here with you, I’d be scared sick- but with you… with you here, this is… fun? We’re somewhere we shouldn’t be, and… oh god, I can imagine my classmates doing this all the time but… doing it myself… I’m sorry if I sound so stupid right now, but I’m really glad you’re here”

“…I’m glad I’m here too. Now get moving, I need to lock up before my mom notices the keys disappeared somewhere”

“Okay, okay”

“There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No, I- have you done this before?”

“…steal my mom’s keys? Rob a store? Nah, never- be happy I’m willing to do such asinine things for idiots such as yourself”

“…”

“You coming, Dezu?”

“…yeah. Thanks. For everything. Really. I know you’re busy with school right now, and so am I, and yet I still manage to bother you with my stupid probl-“

“Dezu”

“…Yeah?”

“It’s fine as long as I get to watch you paint, you know that?”

“…Yeah, I know”

“Then stop stressing about it”

“Okay”

“Where’d that grin of yours go? You’re a raging criminal now, Dezu! Let the world see your wrath!”

“…what does any of that have to do with smiling?”

“Absolutely nothing! But it made you laugh, so it counts as a win”

“What- what win? What are we playing!?”

“I don’t know!”

“What are you even talking about!?”

“I have no idea- I’m just… let’s go put the keys back to my house and we can sneak around a bit longer. As long as my parents are still asleep it shouldn’t be a problem”

“Okay, you wanna go to the field?”

“Sure, there’s so many stars in the sky tonight- you’ll have to show me all the other consti- constali- constu-“

“Constellations?”

“Yeah, those! We have to celebrate you finally giving into your new deviant persona!”

“▀▀▀▀?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up”

“No”

---

''Heading to a party And the night air feels alive''

 

“I hate autumn”

“So do I. It’s cold and freezing and it makes my ears hurt”

“Yeah? Well, my feet hurt”

“That’s because you’re a monkey, Dezu. Monkeys don’t have furry feet. Get yourself some comfy warm shoes and you’ll stop getting sick all the time”

“Hand me the green”

“Here ya go”

“Thanks”

“You say autumn sucks, but a good one-third of your paintings have something to do with autumn”

“…yeah”

“It’s because of the pretty, colourful leaves, isn’t it?”

“I guess so”

“Ah look- a squirrel!”

“Don’t shout, you’ll scare the birds away”

“Sorry- but it’s a cute squirrel, even you have to admit it”

“… I guess it is”

“…are you okay? You’ve been a little out of it lately”

“…can I ask you something?”

“Sure, shoot”

“Do you… draw better when you’re with me? Paint better? Does it surpass what you do on your own?”

“I don’t draw by myself anymore- I have you to do that with, don’t I?”

“…oh”

“Why are you asking? Do you draw better in my company?”

“…yeah”

“I’m glad then! If you ever need moral support with any of your creations, just come running to me! I’ll welcome you with open arms!”

“…I’ll keep that in mind, thanks”

“…something’s still bothering you”

“…”

“Spit it out, Dezu”

“…I don’t like Autumn. The colours come out too blurry and the trees too scrawny; the ground’s mucky and rotten and I hate the cold that makes my fingers freeze. I hate the sky because it takes too much greys and not enough blues to paint. I hate it because the scattered clouds remind me of your eyes, and instead of studying I end up mixing my paints into failed attempts at replicating that gorgeous silver of yours. I hate it because you’re too busy to make my trashy paintings look like they’re worth something”

“…don’t say that”

“Pass me the red”

“…Dezu, don’t be like that-“

“Fine, I’ll take it myself”

“…Dezu”

“…”

“Dezu, you’re amazing. You’re a prodigy when it comes to art. All of those lost colours and shapes find themselves a spot on your canvas; you sculpt faces and leaves and buildings from nothing, you mold and sew threads of ink like it’s second nature to you. You pull and push your surroundings to forge them into something you deem worthy; into something you can replicate onto a piece of paper. I admire you, Dezu. You have no reason to doubt yourself”

“…”

“Dezu, you’re incredible. I know you hate compliments, I do too, but- but I… Dezu, please don’t tell me to shut up. I… Dezu… Autumn sucks, my ears are cold and your feet are freezing but I’m here, you’re here, Autumn’s here, and everything’s okay, because you can make it okay”

“…can I really?”

“Yes”

“…okay”

“Okay?”

“…yeah, okay. I’ll make it okay”

“There we go. You’re painting is coming out lovely, Dezu”

“It’s because you’re here”

“…Dezu, I said you’re painting is coming out lovely”

“…thank you, ▀▀▀▀”

“You’re very welcome”

''Just sitting here I'm waiting ''

“What do you mean you’re moving?!”

“…my dad found some new job outside of Jamaa. Apparently, he can either move and take it, or stay here and work in that business he despises. He’s not letting us get a say in it”

“That’s screwed up! You-“

“Dezu… we’re low on money. I… mom hasn’t been doing so well, and ever since that other art store opened up ours is going out of business. My mom has nothing againced us moving. It’s only me whose tied down to this stupid place”

“But… I… Where? How far away is it?”

“Dezu, it’s a good nine hours away. I won’t be able to visit by bus. And if I catch a train it’ll probably cost a lot-“

“Then I’ll come to you, I-“

“No, Dezu- I… no, I can’t have you do that. That would be selfish of me. And you- Dezu don’t make that face-“

“No! No no no- you can’t be leaving! You can’t leave me here, I’ll be- I’ll be alone, I need you- I need…”

“You need me to make your art better?”

“No! No, listen, no, I’d never- I… you’re not here to help me draw- you’re… you’re here… I need you here because only you can help me keep a clear mind, only you know how to find me in the pathetic excuse of a being that I’ve created- only you know about the maze I’ve trapped myself in-“

“Dezu, what are you talking about? What maze? Ugh, Dezu, listen… I have to go. Everyone goes and leaves and it hurts but you’ll forget about me and you won’t need me anymore- you don’t even need me right now, you’re just imagining it-“

“No! You can’t leave, you can’t! I need… I need your help! I need you to show me… I need you to show me which colours create symphonies, I need you to point out the beauty in my mistakes and to remind me what red matches an autumn blue and-“

“Dezu you can do all of that by yourself. Don’t be stupid”

“Shut u-“

“Stop. Don’t you dare tell me to shut up when I’m talking about something important like this. I have to leave Dezu- even if… even if I don’t want to, it’s for the better. My family needs the money, Dezu. If we continue to stay here, it might all start to go downhill”

“I can’t- I can’t do this by myself, I can’t do anything without you anymore-“

“Dezu, don’t you have other friends?”

“…I… No”

“You told me you had people you hung out with at school”

‘Yeah, at school! But when they smoke it stains my canvas, and they laugh when I talk too much -“

“Dezu, you can’t isolate yourself. You have to have people other than me. You can’t rely on one, single person. Dezu, look at all those trees- look at all of their falling leaves. A tree is made of solid bark and a myriad of branches, and yet what makes it beautiful are the millions of tiny leaves that come and go. You’re clinging onto that last leaf that has yet to fall. You’re clinging on to it with all of your strength, because you don’t believe you’re capable of growing new ones. You think that if you let go of this one, tiny, stupid, inconsequential leaf, you won’t be beautiful anymore. But that’s not true. You’ll grow more leaves, you’ll grow stronger and larger and more gorgeous over the years; and you’ll forget about the fallen leaves because that’s what they are; fallen, crumpled leaves you don’t need anymore, because you’re stronger than that”

“No, no you don’t understand, you’re not some scrunched up leaf that’s been discarded, you’re not a tiny drop of water among the ocean; you’re-“

“Dezu. It’ll hurt; it’ll hurt when I leave, because you’ll be left all alone. You’ll be left without any leaves to keep you company. But you’ll have to live threw the cold winter. You’ll probably cry and panic over how bare you feel once you’re leafless; and yet spring will come, you’ll grow new leaves and bloom. You’ll bloom and you’ll be beautiful, so beautiful more leaves will come to keep you company. You’ll bloom until the summer comes, and you’ll laugh and spend time with your new leaves. Thanks to them you’ll explore colours you never knew existed, because every single tiny leaf you’ll meet is a different shade worth remembering. They’ll help you weave oils into threads and then braid them into pretty little creations. And when summer ends, autumn will come. It’ll come and your leaves will leave you once again, but you’ll get used to it. Look at the trees; they’re waving their good-byes, can’t you see? They’re wishing their farewells. Their adieus”

“But I can’t. I can’t tell you goodbye. You can’t go-“

“Dezu. I’m leaving. But you’re staying here. I’m not going to be here for much longer, but you are and autumn is, and it sucks but you have to tough it out and continue to paint. You have to re-learn how to draw on your own. How to mash together shapes in order to make them a something instead of a nothing. You have to get used to doing all of that alone, Dezu”

“What was the point in even being your friend? What was the point of sneaking out at night, what was the point of spending time with you if you leave? Why are you doing this to me?”

“Dezu. I’m falling. I’m a leaf that’s falling and I’ll eventually be gone. Everyone in your life is a leaf, Dezu. We’re all different but the one thing that makes us similar is that we eventually fall. Your mother has fallen away from you, you haven’t spoken to her in ages. Your father hasn’t been around lately and I’m not sure if you’ve even noticed the gust of wind that blew him away. They’re still somewhere nearby, but they’re crumbled and dry and you can’t really do anything but watch them fade away. But I’m leaving far, far away, so far away that you’ll eventually forget what shade of green I am. You’ll forget me, Dezu. Don’t get hung up on a stupid cat like me”

“You’re not stupid”

“I am, Dezu”

“I’d never forget you!”

“Are you sure, Dezu?”

“Of course I’m sure! I… do you know how much it hurts right now? How much it hurts to cling to that leaf? No, you know what, screw your metaphor, I’m not a tree, you’re not a leaf, your words are absolute gibberish! Things come and things go, but they don’t have to. They don’t have to do that if you wish it away hard enough”

“…Once upon a time the trees also wanted to keep their leaves. But they realised they can’t do anything, and they let themselves be abandoned”

“Shut up shut UP SHUT UP! I told you to throw that metaphor away! Burn it, crush it, destroy it! It’s stupid!”

“Dezu, you’ve already forgotten me”

“What are you talking about!?”

“Dezu”

“Don’t leave me, don’t-“

“Dezu, I left a long time ago”

“Don’t leave me, don’t fall, don’t-“

“Dezu, what’s my name?”

“It’s ▀▀▀▀!”

“Dezu, what’s my name?”

“It’s ▀▀▀▀! You’re ▀▀▀▀! Don’t leave me, don’t- autumn, autumn don’t come, please I-“

“Dezu, who am I?”

“▀▀▀▀! ▀▀▀▀,▀▀▀▀,▀▀▀▀! I can’t stand it anymore, I hate the rain I hate the colours I hate the sky I hate the mud I hate autumn I-“

“Dezu, I told you this would happen. I told you. You don’t remember me, Dezu. You’ve moved on”

“▀▀▀▀, ▀▀▀▀,▀▀▀▀! ▀▀▀▀,▀▀▀▀! You’re ▀▀▀▀!”

“Dezu, you have new friends. Go be happy with them. Let me rest.

“▀▀▀▀!”

“Let yourself rest”

“▀▀▀-“

---

''I never meant to cause no harm Never hurt nobody''

The monkey stared at the paint-splattered canvas. Bright colours mashed together to create a gorgeous valley covered in birch-trees, a gold and orange harmony dancing on their branches. The sky was a pleasant, warm silver that melted away into a navy blue. A ragged and neglected footpath weaved in-between the trees, and Dezu couldn’t remember where it led. She couldn’t remember when or why she painted the panorama.

But the longer she looked at it, the less it looked like a landscape and the more it started to remind her of a portrait. Was it a self-portrait? No, the colours were too precise and carefully picked, whereas Dezu could be portrayed by a messy, stained pallet. The sky was a little too dark but a little too bright, and she felt like she was forgetting something; the yellows were too intense and the oranges too dull, and the monkey couldn’t really tell if the portrait represented someone she once hated or someone she’d once liked.

Letting her fingers caress the painting, she flipped it over, and found a date marking some day ten years from now.

Something swirled in her mind, something poked and prodded at her heart, something started peaking in through her ear and-

“Dezu, get ready, they can’t open the exhibition without the artist herself giving her big speech, you know!”

“Yeah yeah, give me a second-“

And just like that, autumn came again.

The leaves fell, the trees sang their farewells, the wind whispered its goodbyes;

And Dezu was used to it by now.

Used to the strangers that melted into friends and foes, used to the paints that she spread across canvases, used to the eyes gawking at her creations.

“Golden Autumn” was her favourite one, even if it didn’t get as much recognition as the rest of her works. But its canvas was made out of a bleeding and lonely heart, while the paint was just a patchwork of sadness and anger and everything in-between.

And if one day a pair of beautiful (breath-taking, time-stopping, heart-wrenching) silver eyes see it and find themselves among the maze of fleeting emotions that were once coughed up onto the canvas, then that’s that.

The once fallen leaf will consider visiting its old tree; consider crawling back to watch it paint and sketch and draw and-

But that never really happens, because once autumn comes, the leaves fall and trees find new ones.

Leaves don’t return to their trees.

Trees don’t return to their leaves.

And that.

That’s autumn’s law.