Talk:Mutant Thejammer/@comment-31473471-20200127233733

This story was ok, though the story seems to be quite poor in quality with description, storyline and charcters. This seems to be as if it was extremely rushed.

For starters, you have chosen a sterotypical, sub-par storyline, which at its barebones essence is just 'Cursed NPC/Player/Video game' or in this place, 'Cursed New Jammer', which is plastered all over the place.

Second of all, try to have more detail shown. Use show don't tell and describe to me what the place is like in vivid detail. Heres an example:

"I went there and saw a black wolf with red x eyes and the red square-spiral pattern.'

Instead you could write,

"As my sister and I arrived at the den, we walked unsteadily and until we witnessed a horror, an abomination, an anonmoly. There stood, a tall lanky wolf, eerily slouching, its fur was reminscient of the void, an all consuming pitch black was sliced and diced by a crimson red intricate square-like swirls. Out of fear I scanned the beast for any signs of sight. I slowly trailed up the anonmoly and reached the muzzle, two sharp fangs peeked underneath and above the thing's snout lay two red crossess."

This is much more better and adds way more meat into your story.

Finally, there is an EXTREMELY underwhelming amount of charcter developement. Personally I found the addition of the sister completely useless.