User blog:Claweight/GOD it hurts

consider: having the motivation to carry on with anything for more than, like, a month

I REALLY wish i had that right now. i dont even have to do anything since school is starting in a week and there were no summer assignments and i feel better, good, better about myself and everything but i .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you se...e.....

i wanna WRITE again.... i wanna write and feel whole and inspired like i. occasionally used to instead of spiraling into The Void and just wandering around the house and watching youtube and playing nothing but botw all day (this has happened for most of the summer. it's been an okay summer i guess but i've barely gone out unless prompted nd now i'm wishing i had gone to all those places i had dismissed for later on, later on which is now today and i can't). those things are cool but i want passion, real passion, for not just an anime/manga and whatever else i'm into these days but for stuff i've loved all my life. i'm getting back into reading, trying to anyway, but it took me the entire goddamn summer just to finish miller's valley when about a year or two ago i would've finished it in a few days.

i think i've kind of re-ignited that flame or have made a pretty good start at an attempt to do it and feel good but i have to physically drag myself away from trying to play on the switch after i finish a chapter of "the light between oceans" which is a good book. a really good book, beautiful detail and the kind of book i would've been hooked on nonstop reading to the end for its style alone if i was younger, when i had at least a bit of drive left for stuff i enjoy. i'm barely into it only like 50 pages but i'm gonna try and force myself to not get distracted every 20 minutes when i read it again today

and writing... i've only written, started, a story once this summer, and worked on one thing i currently have a grand total of one time. i finally brought myself to exorcising one of many ideas in my head onto a document. i spent three hours of the night a few weeks ago writing "alligator" and it felt good. i'm not done with it but i'm thinking about it, and it's for me. it felt good to write for me, a silly story about a dumb oc idea, a story that i can share with other people because it's not much but i'm proud of it, a story i can share but ultimately it's always gonna mean the most to me alone. kinda sucks that that idea well (THE "INKWELL" IF YOU WOULD. HAHA GET IT BECAUSE THATS A THING PEOPLE USED TO WRITE WITH. THATS ALSO ANOTHER THING I STOPPED WORKING ON WHOOPS. ONLY 2017 KIDS REMEMBER AND IF YOU DO REMEMBER I'M TRULY SORRY) has run dry now. i have so many ideas but i'm too lazy to act on them now.

i was thinking of drawing from a few ideas in "alligator," making a story idea that people who arent Warrior Cats Losers can properly read, and forming that into something else, but i don't know. i think of all the stuff i have and i can't even decide which one to silence and get out there so that it doesn't have to bounce around in my head getting jumbled and forgotten. i have the spark sometimes but i'm always, in the meanest way possible without using Bad W. Ords, a moron who can't even be bothered to start up what they've been wanting for the longest time simply because they're "too lazy" when they're in the mood. awful. hate it. bad. anyways im gonna either read or get myself to reply to nature's blessing thread sorry for the long rambly vent